I ate a sock because people on the Internet told me to. He felt that dining on the bridge brought romance to his relationship with his cat
His confidence would have bee admirable if it wasnât for his stupidity
Edith could decide if she should paint her teeth or brush her nails. 8% of 25 is the same as 25% of 8 and one of them is much easier to do in your head
As he waited for the shower to warm, he noticed that he could hear water change temperature
He walked into the basement with the horror movie from the night before playing in his head
As time wore on, simple dog commands turned into full paragraphs explaining why the dog couldnât do something
Thereâs a message for you if you look up
Iâm not a party animal, but I do like animal parties
Sometimes, all you need to do is completely make an ass of yourself and laugh it off to realise that life isnât so bad after all
Tomorrow will bring something new, so leave today as a memory
A song can make or ruin a personâs day if they let it get to them
Lets all be unique together until we realise we are all the same
She wrote him a long letter, but he didnât read it
When money was tight, heâd get his lunch money from the local wishing well
I really want to go to work, but I am too sick to drive
The tart lemonade quenched her thirst, but not her longing
Iâve always wanted to go to Tajikistan, but my cat would miss me 
He embraced his new life as an eggplant
Poison ivy grew through the fence they said was impenetrable
Karen realized the only way she was getting into heaven was to cheat